I'll admit it. I can be a little bitter sometimes. I can even be a little angry, or envious. I can be a little depressed or sad. Hell, I can be a LOT sad. That comes with the territory when your dream dies. When your children suffer daily from a terrible disorder, and you feel helpless to ease their pain. I'll admit it is sometimes very, very hard.
Then they smile and I smile. And then they laugh and I laugh. Then I remember, again, that I have a responsibility to them to be their mom and set an example of love and healing. I remember that I become what I focus on. I remember that I am the primary avenue through which my kids experience love, healing, and acceptance. I could write a million words on my emotional response to autism....but I wont. Today, I have no time for that. There's far too much healing to do, for all of us.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
It's Not a Girl Thing
The issues that arise when females and males train together in aikido have been discussed thoroughly in Internet discussion forums and articles. There's even a book . A book, I will sheepishly admit that I have never read but have heard is well worth the read. This is not a subject that I've spent a great deal of time stressing about...BUT it is a subject I would like to briefly tackle in a "It's my blog and I'll post what I want to" kind of way.
I've been a regular attender at my dojo for over two years. The vast majority of those classes I have been the only female in attendance. I have very much enjoyed the few times I've had the opportunity to train with other women. As a small person, I have gotten used to training with people who are bigger than me. In all honesty, I like training with small people cause it makes my technique look better! Hey, I'm just being honest... 250 lb dudes tend to frustrate me! I also am keenly aware that I can frustrate bigger people too. One of my biggest insecurities is feeling like I'm not wanted. I want to feel like I contribute something to the dojo by being there, that I'm not wasting your time cause you have to "train with a girl". Fortunately for me, I have yet to train with a man (or woman) who has left me with a bad experience. This speaks well of the types of people that choose to practice aikido. Whether aikido itself cultivates these types of attitudes is up for debate.
If I could impart anything to male aikidoists everywhere it would be these thoughts: Stop making a big deal about the fact that I'm a woman. I'm here to train, just like you. I have techniques that I love and techniques that make me want to hit something. If you accidentally touch my butt during a kokyu nage you do not need to apologize, that stuff is going to happen. I'm also not a baby/porcelain doll/endangered species. You can grab my wrist, you can even punch me, yes you can really do it...atta boy! I also would like you to know that just as men are very different, so are women. Every woman who walks into the dojo is going to have a different aptitude and attitude. I think, ultimately we all do want the same thing: to be treated with respect. We are all different, yet the same.
I've been a regular attender at my dojo for over two years. The vast majority of those classes I have been the only female in attendance. I have very much enjoyed the few times I've had the opportunity to train with other women. As a small person, I have gotten used to training with people who are bigger than me. In all honesty, I like training with small people cause it makes my technique look better! Hey, I'm just being honest... 250 lb dudes tend to frustrate me! I also am keenly aware that I can frustrate bigger people too. One of my biggest insecurities is feeling like I'm not wanted. I want to feel like I contribute something to the dojo by being there, that I'm not wasting your time cause you have to "train with a girl". Fortunately for me, I have yet to train with a man (or woman) who has left me with a bad experience. This speaks well of the types of people that choose to practice aikido. Whether aikido itself cultivates these types of attitudes is up for debate.
If I could impart anything to male aikidoists everywhere it would be these thoughts: Stop making a big deal about the fact that I'm a woman. I'm here to train, just like you. I have techniques that I love and techniques that make me want to hit something. If you accidentally touch my butt during a kokyu nage you do not need to apologize, that stuff is going to happen. I'm also not a baby/porcelain doll/endangered species. You can grab my wrist, you can even punch me, yes you can really do it...atta boy! I also would like you to know that just as men are very different, so are women. Every woman who walks into the dojo is going to have a different aptitude and attitude. I think, ultimately we all do want the same thing: to be treated with respect. We are all different, yet the same.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Leah Gettin' Serious.
I had one of those moments the other day, during a conversation with a friend. Oprah calls them "ah ha" moments, but I'm not Oprah so I'm not sure if I can say that. (Harpo is always watching us!). I'll just call it a moment when I found a personal truth. "Seek and you will find". The Christians say it a lot. I'm sure the other religions have their version too. I used to believe that to be truth, then I stopped believing it. I stopped because I couldn't reconcile it with my own experiences. I had sought and I didn't find. I was seeking "god", I thought, or "truth" or "peace" or "wisdom"....an answer.
During that conversation, I realized that I am finding it. A little at a time. The problem was that what I found I didn't recognise as an answer to my seeking. What I found did not fit into the paradigm that I was living in. As I'm growing and evolving....I'm finding, and it's not at all what I thought it would look like!
Somebody call the Wonderpets! If you don't get that reference you don't spend enough time watching preschool television!
During that conversation, I realized that I am finding it. A little at a time. The problem was that what I found I didn't recognise as an answer to my seeking. What I found did not fit into the paradigm that I was living in. As I'm growing and evolving....I'm finding, and it's not at all what I thought it would look like!
Somebody call the Wonderpets! If you don't get that reference you don't spend enough time watching preschool television!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Here's to you....
This Friday will be my last day at a job I'm hated for two years. I work for one of those little companies that provide in-home health care to elderly and disabled people. It really wasn't the work that I hated. I really do like caring for people, but ultimately I wasn't doing what I wanted to do with my life. The job provided me with a paycheck while being able to be home when my kids got home from school. I found myself reminiscing while at work today about the colorful people I've met and all the entertainment they provided me the last two years. Here's to you....
To the woman who asked me to cut out expired coupons for a half hour so she could collect the fraction of a penny they are supposedly worth.
To the man who INSISTED I come on the weekend so that I could listen to him baby talk his 2 beta fish "Abraham" and "Moses" and change his socks. (yes, change his socks!)
To the woman who found fault with everything I did, scolded me, and was just nasty, only to later declare that I was "like a granddaughter" to her. (Gee thanks.)
To the hilarious 90 year old woman who measured everything she ate in tablespoons. She is planning on donating her body to science and wants it to "be in good shape when they get it!" (Loved her)
To the man who had a framed naked picture of himself in his living room! (EWWW!)
To the woman who handed me a hammer and asked me to "break down" her entertainment center and drag it to the dumpster (not in my job description, but I did it anyway).
To the woman who handed me $10 in change and asked me to go buy two cases of Diet Dr. Pepper.
To the woman with the F'n HUGE Elvis collection (wow).
To the man who never let me leave without a half bag of chips, really old candy, over ripe bananas, or (one time!) a flower for my hair.
To the man who recycles his used tissues.
I could really go on and on, but I think I'll stop. In retrospect, it was really a great job. I'll never forget you.
To the woman who asked me to cut out expired coupons for a half hour so she could collect the fraction of a penny they are supposedly worth.
To the man who INSISTED I come on the weekend so that I could listen to him baby talk his 2 beta fish "Abraham" and "Moses" and change his socks. (yes, change his socks!)
To the woman who found fault with everything I did, scolded me, and was just nasty, only to later declare that I was "like a granddaughter" to her. (Gee thanks.)
To the hilarious 90 year old woman who measured everything she ate in tablespoons. She is planning on donating her body to science and wants it to "be in good shape when they get it!" (Loved her)
To the man who had a framed naked picture of himself in his living room! (EWWW!)
To the woman who handed me a hammer and asked me to "break down" her entertainment center and drag it to the dumpster (not in my job description, but I did it anyway).
To the woman who handed me $10 in change and asked me to go buy two cases of Diet Dr. Pepper.
To the woman with the F'n HUGE Elvis collection (wow).
To the man who never let me leave without a half bag of chips, really old candy, over ripe bananas, or (one time!) a flower for my hair.
To the man who recycles his used tissues.
I could really go on and on, but I think I'll stop. In retrospect, it was really a great job. I'll never forget you.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Welcome to my blog!
This is my invasion into the blogosphere and I'm happy to be here. Feel free to leave ridiculous comments on any of my postings. I would do the same to you. I have a lot to say so you'll just have to wait and see what I feel like writing about. I'm not really sure yet. I will warn you that I have a lot of passions and interests and I am not afraid to speak my mind, but I tend not to take much too seriously. Thanks for reading.
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